I am Smart and You are Dumb
Without any further Freddy Adu, here is, are, was, my bold, 100% accurate predictions and thoughts on the 2005-2006 English Premier League:
1. Chelsea: They spend a shitload of Russian mob money, they've got enough talent for two f'ing quality EPL teams, and a manager that I'm convinced is teetering on the edge of megmaniacal lunacy and they're still going to win the league. Maybe not as easily as last season, but they'll win nonetheless. Also, even though he's kinda nuts, I'm a gigantic fan of Jose Morinho, so I hope all kinds of crazy stuff pops up this season, so he can remind us all of his greatness. I definitely have a man crush on the HPIC (no, P is not for Puerto Rican).
2. Manchester United: This has to be THE retrenching year. They added to their most woeful position by signing the elfin-eared Edwin Van Der Sar to play goal. The back line seems pretty solid (even with a Neville back there) and should only be helped with the addition of the Dutch Feargal McKinney lookalike. Ronaldo and Rooney are a year older, and one would think that they'd be a little more familiar with playing together, so that should help in the attack. It appears that Giggs is about to become a part-timer, and Smith will start getting more time in lieu of Keane (who's going to get injured this season...I'm as positive about this as I am about hte sun coming up tomorrow). With the potential signing of Owen and possibly Michael Ballack the attack could look much more formidable than it already does, but I'm not hanging many hopes on those two even making the move. However, if they're plagued by the same finishing issues of last season, regardless of whom they sign, things will be bleak. I just don't see it happening two seasons in a row. I'm also guaranteeing the following to happen: Ruud Van Nistelrooy will fall down, Ronaldo will follow suit, Ferguson will chew gum and say the word "FUCK" ad nausem, a red card for Wayne Rooney and the launching of an anti-United referee conspiracy theory...and that's just in August.
3. Arsenal: I think Arsenal will take a small step back this season. Nothing drastic, just a small step back. They still have one of the top three players in the world in Henry, Ljungberg is still very good (but he's an annual injury problem), Pires is still on team, and if Ashley Cole's commitment to Arsenal is true then he should be back up to his usual standards. Unfortunately for Arsenal, Jens Lehman looks to still be in goal, but they have some new guy, but I don't care enough to go and get his name. Lehman makes mistakes that remind me of the last 5 United keepers, so you know that can't be good. I don't think that the loss of Vieira is all that big a deal. Granted, it may affect them early in the season, but I'm sure they'll cope. I just have the feeling (or maybe it's just hope) that this will be a down year for the Gunners...down all the way to 3rd...everyone should be so unfortunate. Oh yeah, one more thing...expect failure in Europe...some things never change.
From here on, there won't be much analysis because, well, let's be honest there's the Top Three in the EPL, and then there's everyone else. Here's about how I see it going, along with any random thoughts I think about throwing in...
4. Bolton: That's right...mother f'ing Bolton. Maybe I'm enamored Sam Allerdyce's enormous skull, or more than likely, I just don't know shit. I just like this team and what they can do. We'll find out soon enough.
5. Liverpool: I'm pretty certain they signed about 50 new people this season, so we'll see how that works out. They've still got Gerrard, who early on at least, looks like a man on a mission. Don't expect a repeat of their Champions League miracle, as Satan has already taken residence in Britney Spear's womb.
6. Newcastle: This is just about where they finish every year. Why change tradition? Doesn't Graeme Souness always look like he's just finished smelling his worst fart ever?
7. Tottenham: Because I like Edgar Davids and his goggles.
8. Everton: Gonna pay the price for playing in Europe, which usualy leads to first-timers struggling in the League.
9. Birmingham: Steve Bruce used to play for United.
10. Boro: Because Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink rules!
11. Blackburn: Brad Friedel is the most dominant American keeper in the history of Blackburn, and that, my friends, is some high praise indeed.
12. Manchester City: Their manager isn't called Psycho for nothing.
13. Aston Villa: David O'Leary still owes Leeds money for the financial screwing he gave them. Plus, he's got a pig snout.
14. Portsmouth: They play in fucking toilet. I don't care how good the weather is on the coast. That place is shithole.
15. Sunderland: Highest finishing promoted side. If you believe Roy Keane, Mick McCarthy's an "English cunt". I can't really prove that he's English.
16. Charlton: Alan Curbishley, first manager to be fired this season...you heard it here first.
17. West Brom: Ex-United great Bryan Robson seals his place in Baggies history by keeping them up for two consecutive seasons. Statues will be erected. Son's will be renamed. Kanu's head will continue to look like the top of a bobblehead.
18. Fulham: They're going to suck balls. I don't care how many Americans they have on the squad.
19. West Ham: Should have never fired Glen Roeder, I mean, for Christ's sake, he got a brain tumor from managing them. There's no loyalty in sport anymore.
20. Wigan: Making room for Leeds trimphant return to the Premier League.
If you want super bold and completely uneducated predictions from the lower divisions, here they are:
The Championship
Leeds: They added Eddie Lewis, and when you got an American, you got a chance...right...right?
Crystal Palace: If for no other reason than a 5th straight relegation from the EPL next season.
Luton: If Luton can keep from getting relegated immediatly back to League 1, then they should be promoted via playoff win. This is officially my boldest prediction of all time.
League One
Nottingham Forest: Bet your mortgage on it. Promoted by the Ides of March
Bristol City: Because it's my favorite track on the NASCAR circuit.
Wycombe: No idea...just like the name, I guess.
That's it. I'm skipping League Two but letting you know that Notts County will be making their triumphant return to League One next season.
Wier.
1. Chelsea: They spend a shitload of Russian mob money, they've got enough talent for two f'ing quality EPL teams, and a manager that I'm convinced is teetering on the edge of megmaniacal lunacy and they're still going to win the league. Maybe not as easily as last season, but they'll win nonetheless. Also, even though he's kinda nuts, I'm a gigantic fan of Jose Morinho, so I hope all kinds of crazy stuff pops up this season, so he can remind us all of his greatness. I definitely have a man crush on the HPIC (no, P is not for Puerto Rican).
2. Manchester United: This has to be THE retrenching year. They added to their most woeful position by signing the elfin-eared Edwin Van Der Sar to play goal. The back line seems pretty solid (even with a Neville back there) and should only be helped with the addition of the Dutch Feargal McKinney lookalike. Ronaldo and Rooney are a year older, and one would think that they'd be a little more familiar with playing together, so that should help in the attack. It appears that Giggs is about to become a part-timer, and Smith will start getting more time in lieu of Keane (who's going to get injured this season...I'm as positive about this as I am about hte sun coming up tomorrow). With the potential signing of Owen and possibly Michael Ballack the attack could look much more formidable than it already does, but I'm not hanging many hopes on those two even making the move. However, if they're plagued by the same finishing issues of last season, regardless of whom they sign, things will be bleak. I just don't see it happening two seasons in a row. I'm also guaranteeing the following to happen: Ruud Van Nistelrooy will fall down, Ronaldo will follow suit, Ferguson will chew gum and say the word "FUCK" ad nausem, a red card for Wayne Rooney and the launching of an anti-United referee conspiracy theory...and that's just in August.
3. Arsenal: I think Arsenal will take a small step back this season. Nothing drastic, just a small step back. They still have one of the top three players in the world in Henry, Ljungberg is still very good (but he's an annual injury problem), Pires is still on team, and if Ashley Cole's commitment to Arsenal is true then he should be back up to his usual standards. Unfortunately for Arsenal, Jens Lehman looks to still be in goal, but they have some new guy, but I don't care enough to go and get his name. Lehman makes mistakes that remind me of the last 5 United keepers, so you know that can't be good. I don't think that the loss of Vieira is all that big a deal. Granted, it may affect them early in the season, but I'm sure they'll cope. I just have the feeling (or maybe it's just hope) that this will be a down year for the Gunners...down all the way to 3rd...everyone should be so unfortunate. Oh yeah, one more thing...expect failure in Europe...some things never change.
From here on, there won't be much analysis because, well, let's be honest there's the Top Three in the EPL, and then there's everyone else. Here's about how I see it going, along with any random thoughts I think about throwing in...
4. Bolton: That's right...mother f'ing Bolton. Maybe I'm enamored Sam Allerdyce's enormous skull, or more than likely, I just don't know shit. I just like this team and what they can do. We'll find out soon enough.
5. Liverpool: I'm pretty certain they signed about 50 new people this season, so we'll see how that works out. They've still got Gerrard, who early on at least, looks like a man on a mission. Don't expect a repeat of their Champions League miracle, as Satan has already taken residence in Britney Spear's womb.
6. Newcastle: This is just about where they finish every year. Why change tradition? Doesn't Graeme Souness always look like he's just finished smelling his worst fart ever?
7. Tottenham: Because I like Edgar Davids and his goggles.
8. Everton: Gonna pay the price for playing in Europe, which usualy leads to first-timers struggling in the League.
9. Birmingham: Steve Bruce used to play for United.
10. Boro: Because Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink rules!
11. Blackburn: Brad Friedel is the most dominant American keeper in the history of Blackburn, and that, my friends, is some high praise indeed.
12. Manchester City: Their manager isn't called Psycho for nothing.
13. Aston Villa: David O'Leary still owes Leeds money for the financial screwing he gave them. Plus, he's got a pig snout.
14. Portsmouth: They play in fucking toilet. I don't care how good the weather is on the coast. That place is shithole.
15. Sunderland: Highest finishing promoted side. If you believe Roy Keane, Mick McCarthy's an "English cunt". I can't really prove that he's English.
16. Charlton: Alan Curbishley, first manager to be fired this season...you heard it here first.
17. West Brom: Ex-United great Bryan Robson seals his place in Baggies history by keeping them up for two consecutive seasons. Statues will be erected. Son's will be renamed. Kanu's head will continue to look like the top of a bobblehead.
18. Fulham: They're going to suck balls. I don't care how many Americans they have on the squad.
19. West Ham: Should have never fired Glen Roeder, I mean, for Christ's sake, he got a brain tumor from managing them. There's no loyalty in sport anymore.
20. Wigan: Making room for Leeds trimphant return to the Premier League.
If you want super bold and completely uneducated predictions from the lower divisions, here they are:
The Championship
Leeds: They added Eddie Lewis, and when you got an American, you got a chance...right...right?
Crystal Palace: If for no other reason than a 5th straight relegation from the EPL next season.
Luton: If Luton can keep from getting relegated immediatly back to League 1, then they should be promoted via playoff win. This is officially my boldest prediction of all time.
League One
Nottingham Forest: Bet your mortgage on it. Promoted by the Ides of March
Bristol City: Because it's my favorite track on the NASCAR circuit.
Wycombe: No idea...just like the name, I guess.
That's it. I'm skipping League Two but letting you know that Notts County will be making their triumphant return to League One next season.
Wier.
posted by Bob Sturm's Sports Merkin at 11:23 AM
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