Flood of Emotions...get it?

Things that are just boiling to the surface of my human skull today:

My left foot is fucked up and I can't figure out why. I'm thinking it's time to consult a professional...

Somewhere, many years ago, in the swamps of Louisana, there was a grandfather alligator who was telling his disbelieving grandson alligators, "Boys...someday, I don't know when, there will be a glorious moment where we can swim freely amongst the humans and feast like kings, mark my words..."

Non-food looters should be killed or fed to the alligators.

I can say this without any reservations...Bourbon Street has never smelled better.

The early returns are just as I predicted in the EPL, with the exception of Newcastle sucking balls and Alan Curbishley looking for a new job already. I haven't given up on Bolton, but I'm starting to worry. Yes, it's only 4 games in.

Arsenal couldn't have hand-picked a better Champions League draw.

Wedding Crashers is pretty good. Broken Flowers was shit.

I laugh when I see kids in the Little League World Series cry.

I'm gravely concerned about the lack of MILF's at said LLWS as well.

Stephen Hawking's Football Boots (our {SportsDouche Management Inc.} fantasy football team) is looking strong...not however, as strong as Duck Butter's http://blogduckbutter.blogspot.com.

I'm shifting my jihad from the "urban" youth of Dallas to Harrah's, which recently purchased Imperial Palace...

I fear for the future of Forest.

I found this guys blog the other day, and it makes me giggle...http://thecasualfriday.blogspot.com

Two days until Fightin' Aggie Football kicks off thier 8-3 season.

Twelve days until Red Raider Football kicks off their undefeated month of September.

Before I go to bed every night, I pray for two things...a bigger dingdong and a winless season for Texas. Judging by recent measurements, Texas is in for a long season.

Gotta find a place to watch football on Saturday's this fall...any suggestions?

England draws with Wales this weekend, and the general footballing public over there goes out of their minds...on both ends.

Bavarian Grill in Plano is good German food. Go hungry and get your schnitzel on.

MegaMillions is $131mm this weekend. Buy a ticket and donate to my future.

Speaking of Lotto, I saw a bumper sticker once that read The lottery is a tax on people who don't understand probablity. I'm not sure what it meant, but I can assure you that the driver didn't understand the probablity of me beating them to death with a tire iron, did they?

Brain and bowels are both empty, now.

Why? Why? Why?...

...the fuck would you fly ANYTHING out of Columbia?

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/americas/08/16/venezuela.crash/index.html

Other than the fact that I'd never set foot in Columbia, or South America for that matter, I can't possibly see any reason to get on a plane down there. For the love of God, have you seen how our local south-of-the border residents drive? And you trust one of them to fly a plane? Good fucking luck. Gimme a local's donkey to ride out of there, that'll suit me just fine...or better yet...I'll just keep my ass in the good ol' U.S. of A.

Viva la Mexico.

Fish, Footy, Mexican Food and More...

I wanted to fuel my inner nip, so The Rake and I decided to dine on sushi, Friday night. We were going to go to Blue Fish, but Tara, up at The Pub (link on the right), suggested we try Teppo instead, so we did. Things didn't start off swimmingly, as the douchebag valet looked like I was interuppting his phone call when we pulled up. Then, the sorry motherbastards down on that end of Greenville Ave. charge you $7 to valet. We got sat at the sushi bar, which I liked, and were waited on some pseudo-Japs. The Rake thought they were full blown Japanese, but I think they were some SMU student who were paying their way thru school there, as when they talked to each other it sounded like and episode of The O.C., and less like Godzilla vs. Mothra. Ended up getting Louisana Rolls ***, Softshell Crab Rolls ****, Oysters Somesuch **, and something else, which I guess was unmemorable. Good sushi, didn't smell like whorehole, so I thought that made for some good eatin'. Sadly, there sake was lacking, and it was all warm, so I was s.o.l on the good, cold rice wine.

Feeling Jap full, we decided to go to Cosmo's for a couple of drinks...that turned out to be many, many drinks, as they were showing Urban Cowboy and that's pretty much a stop down for me. After that, instead of making the intelligent decision to go home, we went to The Pub and drank some more. Made it home late. Played a $5 Sit-N-Go..finished 2nd.

Saturday morning, 6:15, and it's time to walk the dogs and then watch United put it on Everton 2-0, which is a good start. 9:00am led to Bolton/Aston Villas scoring 2 apiece in the first 10 minutes and then proceding to dump on the field for the remaining 80. I was footballed out by about 11, when we went to eat Ozona for lunch...mmmmmm...Ozona.

Bought a digital camera, so here soon, you'll be able to see pics of my biggest dumps, home sex videos and peeping Tom moments with my neighbors.

Matt's Rancho Martinez Saturday night, and let's just say that it was a two TP roll meal...which is a good thing. Went to The Pub and drank a lot with The Rake, her friend and her boyfriend. My brother, black Randall, Andy and Sheldon showed up. It was Lenny's last Saturday night, so everyone was enjoying the night. I was drunk enough to let someone else drive home.

Sunday Chelsea, Arsenal and Tony Stewart all won...nothing else to report...

Have SARS and kiss a donkey on the lips.

Wier.

When AIDS Attacks

Where to start?

Went to see the opening of Pizza Hut Park last Saturday. Cool place, but it's in the middle of f'ing nowhere. High points:

1. Excellent seating and lines of sight. I really liked that you can stand on the concourse and see the entire field down below.
2. Foot-long hot dogs are $4, as where regular hot dogs are $3.50..that's a bargain if I've ever heard of one.
3. Free parking...as long as you're in The Rake's car and don't mind going over a curb and driving thru a field.

Low points:

1. Dallas blew a two goal lead. They got what they deserved, because they kinda half-assed it the entire game.
2. Having to show ID EVERY TIME that you buy beer. Even from the idiot who's served you 5 beers earlier
3. Traffic is TMS-like

In other news, about a week after "urban" youth decided that they wanted my stereo, my fucking alernator went out...so now I'm out about another $220. It's all just one constant kick to the nuts, isn't it?

Watched Chelsea v Arsenal in the Community Shield this weekend. Not that great a game, and not even a good barometer for the season. United beat some mad Hungarians 3-0 to get their Champions League off to a flying start. Season kicks off for real this weekend (game predictions on Friday).

That's it. Enjoy your AIDS.

Wier.

I am Smart and You are Dumb

Without any further Freddy Adu, here is, are, was, my bold, 100% accurate predictions and thoughts on the 2005-2006 English Premier League:

1. Chelsea: They spend a shitload of Russian mob money, they've got enough talent for two f'ing quality EPL teams, and a manager that I'm convinced is teetering on the edge of megmaniacal lunacy and they're still going to win the league. Maybe not as easily as last season, but they'll win nonetheless. Also, even though he's kinda nuts, I'm a gigantic fan of Jose Morinho, so I hope all kinds of crazy stuff pops up this season, so he can remind us all of his greatness. I definitely have a man crush on the HPIC (no, P is not for Puerto Rican).

2. Manchester United: This has to be THE retrenching year. They added to their most woeful position by signing the elfin-eared Edwin Van Der Sar to play goal. The back line seems pretty solid (even with a Neville back there) and should only be helped with the addition of the Dutch Feargal McKinney lookalike. Ronaldo and Rooney are a year older, and one would think that they'd be a little more familiar with playing together, so that should help in the attack. It appears that Giggs is about to become a part-timer, and Smith will start getting more time in lieu of Keane (who's going to get injured this season...I'm as positive about this as I am about hte sun coming up tomorrow). With the potential signing of Owen and possibly Michael Ballack the attack could look much more formidable than it already does, but I'm not hanging many hopes on those two even making the move. However, if they're plagued by the same finishing issues of last season, regardless of whom they sign, things will be bleak. I just don't see it happening two seasons in a row. I'm also guaranteeing the following to happen: Ruud Van Nistelrooy will fall down, Ronaldo will follow suit, Ferguson will chew gum and say the word "FUCK" ad nausem, a red card for Wayne Rooney and the launching of an anti-United referee conspiracy theory...and that's just in August.

3. Arsenal: I think Arsenal will take a small step back this season. Nothing drastic, just a small step back. They still have one of the top three players in the world in Henry, Ljungberg is still very good (but he's an annual injury problem), Pires is still on team, and if Ashley Cole's commitment to Arsenal is true then he should be back up to his usual standards. Unfortunately for Arsenal, Jens Lehman looks to still be in goal, but they have some new guy, but I don't care enough to go and get his name. Lehman makes mistakes that remind me of the last 5 United keepers, so you know that can't be good. I don't think that the loss of Vieira is all that big a deal. Granted, it may affect them early in the season, but I'm sure they'll cope. I just have the feeling (or maybe it's just hope) that this will be a down year for the Gunners...down all the way to 3rd...everyone should be so unfortunate. Oh yeah, one more thing...expect failure in Europe...some things never change.

From here on, there won't be much analysis because, well, let's be honest there's the Top Three in the EPL, and then there's everyone else. Here's about how I see it going, along with any random thoughts I think about throwing in...

4. Bolton: That's right...mother f'ing Bolton. Maybe I'm enamored Sam Allerdyce's enormous skull, or more than likely, I just don't know shit. I just like this team and what they can do. We'll find out soon enough.

5. Liverpool: I'm pretty certain they signed about 50 new people this season, so we'll see how that works out. They've still got Gerrard, who early on at least, looks like a man on a mission. Don't expect a repeat of their Champions League miracle, as Satan has already taken residence in Britney Spear's womb.

6. Newcastle: This is just about where they finish every year. Why change tradition? Doesn't Graeme Souness always look like he's just finished smelling his worst fart ever?

7. Tottenham: Because I like Edgar Davids and his goggles.

8. Everton: Gonna pay the price for playing in Europe, which usualy leads to first-timers struggling in the League.

9. Birmingham: Steve Bruce used to play for United.

10. Boro: Because Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink rules!

11. Blackburn: Brad Friedel is the most dominant American keeper in the history of Blackburn, and that, my friends, is some high praise indeed.

12. Manchester City: Their manager isn't called Psycho for nothing.

13. Aston Villa: David O'Leary still owes Leeds money for the financial screwing he gave them. Plus, he's got a pig snout.

14. Portsmouth: They play in fucking toilet. I don't care how good the weather is on the coast. That place is shithole.

15. Sunderland: Highest finishing promoted side. If you believe Roy Keane, Mick McCarthy's an "English cunt". I can't really prove that he's English.

16. Charlton: Alan Curbishley, first manager to be fired this season...you heard it here first.

17. West Brom: Ex-United great Bryan Robson seals his place in Baggies history by keeping them up for two consecutive seasons. Statues will be erected. Son's will be renamed. Kanu's head will continue to look like the top of a bobblehead.

18. Fulham: They're going to suck balls. I don't care how many Americans they have on the squad.

19. West Ham: Should have never fired Glen Roeder, I mean, for Christ's sake, he got a brain tumor from managing them. There's no loyalty in sport anymore.

20. Wigan: Making room for Leeds trimphant return to the Premier League.

If you want super bold and completely uneducated predictions from the lower divisions, here they are:

The Championship
Leeds: They added Eddie Lewis, and when you got an American, you got a chance...right...right?

Crystal Palace: If for no other reason than a 5th straight relegation from the EPL next season.

Luton: If Luton can keep from getting relegated immediatly back to League 1, then they should be promoted via playoff win. This is officially my boldest prediction of all time.

League One
Nottingham Forest: Bet your mortgage on it. Promoted by the Ides of March

Bristol City: Because it's my favorite track on the NASCAR circuit.

Wycombe: No idea...just like the name, I guess.

That's it. I'm skipping League Two but letting you know that Notts County will be making their triumphant return to League One next season.

Wier.

Why My Nuts Hurt

Because one of Dallas' many fine "urban" youth decided that he'd break a freakin' window in my car and steal a radio that had no face on it. Topping that off is the fact that the douchebag didn't notice that I DON'T LOCK MY FUCKING DOORS, for that specific reason...douchebags break windows. I'm now declaring a jihad against all "urban" youth in America. Notice I haven't even mentioned the $110 window that I have to replace.

Top that off with the fact that I spent about 10 man hours trying to fix my f'ing car (which I got done with some help from my old man) and you can see why my nuts feel like they've been on the business end of an Ike Turner coke-fueled rage.

Oh, and let us not forget that Becks had the deadly combo of vomits and shits yesterday (he's fine today, if you cared) and it's been quite trying in my world.

On the bright side, got to The Pub (link on the right) twice this weekend.

Watched TONS of soccer as well (Fulham v MLS All-Stars, United v Jap Team Who's Name Escapes Me, Arsenal v Porto, Arsenal v Ajax, Chelsea v AC Milan), keeping in mind that this is preseason friendly season, here's some quick observations:

1. Arsenal's new kits, both home and away, are treeeeeeemendous. I love them both, almost makes we wish I was an Arsenal supporter...almost.

2. Either the MLS is catching up with the rest of the world, or Fulham is gonna suck, suck, suck. Yes, I realize that it was an MLS All-Star team, but man, they destroyed Fulham. Dark days ahead at Craven Cottage if things stay that way.

3. Rui Costa's goal in yesterday's game was truly a site to behold. Unreal.

4. Thierry Henry is good.

5. Kleberson is not.

6. Owen to United, kinda gives me a happy feeling in my shorts...but that might just be the rash.

7. If Lenny had seen Rooney's goal this weekend his reaction would have fallen somewhere between, "Cheeky" and "Jammy Cunt". The latter, I'll never really fully understand the meaning.

8. If last weeks results are any indication of future results, there's gonna be utter chaos and upheaval on the Green end of Glasgow.

One week until the Nottingham Forest Immediate Promotion Season begins at Huddersfield.

Two weeks until the EPL kicks off, and honestly, I can't wait.

Wier.

Movie Review and stuff...

After having a wedding cancelled one hour before the start, The Rake (and she will go by that until I get permission to put her name out in front of the world) and I were stuck with finding something to do. So, we ended up going to the Angelika to see a movie called Saving Face. It's a dramedy about two Chinese lesbians. One of them was extremely yellow-hot. The other, was kinda homely looking. It had subplots (mainly, the homely-yellow one's 48 year-old mom gets baby shot up all inside her moo-goo birthing canal and ends up moving in), funny jokes, stereotypical black neighbor, and most importantly naked yellow sex scene. There's subtitles, due to all the old yellows speaking in their native Tianamen jibber-jabber, so be prepared for some reading.

We both liked it. Her more than me, but I'd recommend it. I'm gonna give it a good solid: B+

Oh yeah, bonus for this movie for making our post-movie P.F. Chang's taste better.

More later, including a book review, Murderball review, EPL 2005-2006 preview and softball recap.

Wier.